Faith Speaks - Nightmares

I've been having nightmares lately, mainly two different ones. One deals with my parents. They're dead now, they didn't even know I was like this. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if they found out. They probably wouldn't believe it, hell I barely believe it. I do wonder if they would be proud of me or at least accept me. That's part of what the nightmare goes into. I can't remember all of it, just them yelling at me for being so stupid. I actually woke up crying. I know that it is just a dream, but it felt so real. I haven't even told my best friend about it. I feel stupid to even let it bother me.

The other one needs some set up. I was kidnapped by this creep. Normally I'd kick his ass and leave, but he was able to control people. He made me his slave, I was able to break free and get away. Sometime later I find out he's not locked up and he comes after me. Thankfully B was with me and she killed him. But in these dreams, he's back. But like a zombie or something, all rotting. He comes in and holds me down, I can't fight him off and I feel so weak. Before he does anything else, I wake up. Usually in a pool of my own sweat. Fuck I wish I could erase that part of my memory. If he wasn't dead I'd be looking over my shoulder all the time.

I have so much drama going on now that I can barely think straight. I'm only putting it here just to put it out. Plus it's less crazy than screaming it into the woods. I know no one reads my horseshit. Maybe the nightmares will stop I hope.

Faith Speaks - Weird Stuff

So I've been a girl for nearly a year now, nearly 11 months I think. I've noticed a few things since getting trapped like this. Routine sets in quickly. I've read those stories online. Putting on panties and a bra isn't exciting on any level, I used to wear boxers and I see it as being the same now. Just something to wear under your clothes. I do have some fancier stuff, but that's for special occasions.

Next I really can't remember guy stuff. How it felt to get morning wood or something. It's like a dream that you know you had, but it disappears like smoke. The more I try to remember it, the less I can find that I do remember. I don't even remember sex as a guy anymore. I find it crazy, but what can I do?

I'm not depressed being a girl or anything. I just accept it more than anything else. There are things I like and a few things I don't like. I just live, because I don't like the alternative.

There is another thing. I have dreams that deal with the future. Sometimes I see my future self, although sometimes it is just a dream and nothing more. Recently I saw a future me who was pregnant. I hope she was just a dream. I don't think I can handle that. That's why I use every protection I know of.

Faith Speaks - Big Update

So it happened. My boyfriend asked me to marry him. It was a big date thing, huge setup and everything. I'm pretty sure he's convinced that's how its supposed to happen because that's how it happens in movies. So I said yes. I didn't even give it a second thought until I got home. That's when I panicked. I don't know why really. It may have just been excitement or whatever is left of my male ego dying from the "aww" factor.

The thought of being someone's wife is so weird to me, but I sort of like it. I love him and could spend the rest of my life with him. I'm fine with just living together, but he's really sort of goofy about that. It's almost cute.

We don't have a date or anything, I suggested a trip to Vegas. But then B found out or she knew all along, now she wants me to do this huge thing. I don't know about all of that, I'm not a fan of church. Also that whole dress thing isn't my cup of tea.

Faith Speaks - Sex and Me

So no one replied. I'm pretty sure people read this, at least one person. Come on, don't you have anything to ask me? I used to be a man, turned into a female vampire slayer, and now work for a secret government group that hides alien technology. I'd lose my mind asking questions.

But here is what I've had on my mind lately. Maybe this will make someone respond, because it is about my sex life.

So I'm dating a guy. Yes, I was a completely straight guy before all of this. But since the change, things have been different. I don't know if it was some part of Faith being made part of me or just the body, but I'm into guys now. I can't even think of other girls like that anymore. That's one of the weirder things about all of this. I remember being with girls when I was a guy. When I try to focus on it, I find myself imagining myself as the girl. Which is really weird.

But I'm dating a guy, I met him at work shortly after I changed. I've never really asked him about how he feels about how I used to be a guy. I've gotten where I try to ignore it, so he never brings it up. I don't know if he does that for my sake or if he doesn't want to think about it either. I don't think I really act like a normal girl around him. We mainly hang out and watch either action movies or scifi movies.

We do have sex. I guess if you know anything about the tv version of Faith, then you might have a decent idea of what I'm like in that area. I wish it hadn't copied that bit, but I can't really go back. I don't go around with anyone though, just him. I do feel like it sometimes, but I'm able to resist it. That's the odd thing about the change. I can't fight some of it, but the other stuff I can. I can keep myself from acting like a slut, but I can't be into girls. I talked to this guy who is in the science department, he thinks the structure of the brain is changed. The mind is transferred to it, making things that are genetic impossible to resist. A few of the things the tv Faith was into had to do with her upbringing and past, since I didn't live with that, I'm able to resist it. Although it is always there. Sometimes when I'm drunk or angry it comes out more. He and I have had some fun every now and then. Just watch the show and what they could show with Faith, like that but definitely not for tv.

Sometimes I do worry about things though. I don't know if he's attracted to me or my body. I know he is a fan of Eliza. I guess the fact that he puts up with my drama is a good sign. I really don't know about our future together. I really don't believe in marriage, but if he asked I don't think I could say no. I do love him, I feel so better when I'm with him. But those little thoughts about my past pop up every now and then. I really don't know about kids. That's just something I try not to think about. I know it will come up eventually. I just don't think I'm ready for that or that I'd be good at that. I can barely keep my own shit together, I don't know how I'd be able to raise a kid.

But, once again, ask me anything.

Faith Speaks - Intro

The following was emailed to me. I do not know if it is true or not.

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So, I really don't know how to start this. Not that anyone would believe it in the first place. Well, here goes nothing. My name is Faith and I hunt vampires for the government, among other scary shit. I'm only doing this because my therapist thought I need a decent way to vent and suggested a diary. But since this is the 21^st Century I decided to blog. I'm not worried about the government censoring it, they really don't care, besides no one would possibly believe it.

So, about my life. I look exactly like Eliza Dushku circa season 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I have all the Slayer powers. Pretty cool huh? But here's the weird bit, I used to be a guy and I'm stuck this way. All things considered, it could be worse. I'm still human, I had friends who weren't so lucky. Still, it isn't bad being a girl. It really isn't that much different, except for a few minor things. By minor things I mean the major difference. But I got used to it after a few months, I don't really have a choice for a few decades.

It's weird really, I've barely been like this for a year now (about 9 months or so) and I'm already forgetting my old life. It just seems so alien to what I am now. Having a living reminder of my old life doesn't help, but I might explain that later. This is all about me, like every other blog written by a girl.

I'll write more in the future, this was just the intro. So if you read this and have a question, post it. I'll answer it, I'm bored at work because nothing is happening right now. Granted I can't tell you everything, national security and all that. But we'll go on a case by case basis.

If you reply.

The Future of the MAU - Slayers series

The story of Faith and Buffy is far from over, but it might be a while before it continues. Currently I'm working on combining all the current stories, besides the April 1st special, into one big file. I will fix a few mistakes I made, tidy up a few things, and add at least one scene. Consider it to be the full season release of the series. I mainly just want to fix a few things, but a part of it is for the people who don't like to read the serial stories. Now my stories were always meant to be read in the way I released them. The stories are largely self contained, while tying into a larger story.

If all goes right, the season season will start in the fall. It will still take place in the present and show the Slayers one year into their new lives. I have an idea for the story arc, but it needs some work. I hope to have more cameos from some of the popular characters from the other MAU stories, as long as I can get permission from their creators and with their input.

I also have another story in the works, something that sets the stage for season two and answers a few questions. But it might be a while, possibly during the summer. It will be longer than the other stories and barely feature the main cast, instead introducing new ones. Although the main character has already been introduced in a way.

Story 18

MAU - Slayers - The Man Comes Around

I've had this story sitting around in my head since I first starting writing the series. The ending, which is something I've debated including, as written right after the fifth story. It felt right to have it end that, but maybe a little weird to have such a large time jump. I will say that when I start the second season, it will be roughly three months after the main story. The 2017 story will be slowly dealt with and explained. But the seeds have been planted throughout the series.