Faith Speaks - Nightmares

I've been having nightmares lately, mainly two different ones. One deals with my parents. They're dead now, they didn't even know I was like this. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if they found out. They probably wouldn't believe it, hell I barely believe it. I do wonder if they would be proud of me or at least accept me. That's part of what the nightmare goes into. I can't remember all of it, just them yelling at me for being so stupid. I actually woke up crying. I know that it is just a dream, but it felt so real. I haven't even told my best friend about it. I feel stupid to even let it bother me.

The other one needs some set up. I was kidnapped by this creep. Normally I'd kick his ass and leave, but he was able to control people. He made me his slave, I was able to break free and get away. Sometime later I find out he's not locked up and he comes after me. Thankfully B was with me and she killed him. But in these dreams, he's back. But like a zombie or something, all rotting. He comes in and holds me down, I can't fight him off and I feel so weak. Before he does anything else, I wake up. Usually in a pool of my own sweat. Fuck I wish I could erase that part of my memory. If he wasn't dead I'd be looking over my shoulder all the time.

I have so much drama going on now that I can barely think straight. I'm only putting it here just to put it out. Plus it's less crazy than screaming it into the woods. I know no one reads my horseshit. Maybe the nightmares will stop I hope.

Faith Speaks - Weird Stuff

So I've been a girl for nearly a year now, nearly 11 months I think. I've noticed a few things since getting trapped like this. Routine sets in quickly. I've read those stories online. Putting on panties and a bra isn't exciting on any level, I used to wear boxers and I see it as being the same now. Just something to wear under your clothes. I do have some fancier stuff, but that's for special occasions.

Next I really can't remember guy stuff. How it felt to get morning wood or something. It's like a dream that you know you had, but it disappears like smoke. The more I try to remember it, the less I can find that I do remember. I don't even remember sex as a guy anymore. I find it crazy, but what can I do?

I'm not depressed being a girl or anything. I just accept it more than anything else. There are things I like and a few things I don't like. I just live, because I don't like the alternative.

There is another thing. I have dreams that deal with the future. Sometimes I see my future self, although sometimes it is just a dream and nothing more. Recently I saw a future me who was pregnant. I hope she was just a dream. I don't think I can handle that. That's why I use every protection I know of.

Faith Speaks - Big Update

So it happened. My boyfriend asked me to marry him. It was a big date thing, huge setup and everything. I'm pretty sure he's convinced that's how its supposed to happen because that's how it happens in movies. So I said yes. I didn't even give it a second thought until I got home. That's when I panicked. I don't know why really. It may have just been excitement or whatever is left of my male ego dying from the "aww" factor.

The thought of being someone's wife is so weird to me, but I sort of like it. I love him and could spend the rest of my life with him. I'm fine with just living together, but he's really sort of goofy about that. It's almost cute.

We don't have a date or anything, I suggested a trip to Vegas. But then B found out or she knew all along, now she wants me to do this huge thing. I don't know about all of that, I'm not a fan of church. Also that whole dress thing isn't my cup of tea.